Twice the Anxiety: Being Bisexual in China
Dani, a marketing specialist / content creator from L.A., is an expat based in Shenzhen. She shares about negative stigmas and stereotypes she has faced being bisexual.
Have you ever heard of the phrase, “Just be yourself?”
As pleasant as that may sound, it doesn’t always sit well with others. That doesn’t mean you have to hide your true self. It means you should prepare for all the unnecessarily personal questions people will ask you.
Sometimes, they’ll ask you why you’re wearing a costume of Samara Morgan from “The Ring” when it’s Halloween. Other times, they’ll ask you why you wear so much black clothing when it’s summer. My favorite questions are when people ask me how I could be bisexual when I’ve never dated a woman. If not that, there are other questions I get asked, such as:
“Would you really be satisfied with a woman just as much as a man?”
“When did you know you were bi?”
“Does that mean you’re open to threesomes?”
Dating in China as a bisexual can feel hopeless. People think they can invade your personal space and act as if they’re trying to help solve your confusion. I’m not confused. I know who I am. You don’t need to tell me twice.
A few weeks ago, I was at dinner with friends, and two men at the same table as me couldn’t appear to wrap their heads around the fact that I was bisexual. I just grinned and pretended it didn’t bother me. That’s my attempt to “stay strong,”especially during the years of harassment I dealt with.
It wasn’t until after dinner that some friends pulled me aside and told me that I did not have to tolerate things and that I had support. Hearing that nearly brought me to tears. I thought I had to fight my own battles and that asking for help was weak. Being around friends reminded me that it’s okay to not be okay.
What about dating apps?
Whenever I receive likes on dating apps, I often wonder if they only swiped right because they’re hoping for a good time, if you catch my drift. It’s frustrating when people assume that all bisexuals are “unfaithful” and “not even LGBT.”
Bisexual is the “B” in “LGBT.” How could we not be a part of the community? At the same time, I am aware that not everyone thinks this way. There’s always the fear that I’m constantly being judged/stereotyped.
Lately, I haven’t had the confidence to believe that someone would be interested in me and not care about my sexuality. It almost feels like my family has influenced these feelings of hopelessness. Many of my cousins are married. Some of them have families of their own. My younger brother is in a relationship.
Even with my accomplishments, it doesn’t matter because I’m not married or even dating anyone. A few weeks before I flew back to China in May, I visited my grandparents. My step-grandma reassured me that she’d pray to Jesus to bring me a good Christian man. Instead of rolling my eyes, I smiled and told her, “Gracias.”
While some days are hard, I remind myself I have plenty to be grateful for. Since returning to Shenzhen, I’ve found more LGBTQ+ friends and allies to depend on. I am also continuing to make efforts in terms of my career path. For now, I’m taking baby steps to improve my well-being on my own. No man (or woman) can do that for me, even if I end up finding a partner eventually. Life is a journey, and though I’ve hit many bumps along the way, I’m still moving.
To my fellow single bisexuals: don’t let negative stereotypes get you down. If a straight person is asking you why you’re bisexual, play the reverse Uno card by asking why they’re straight. Don’t ever apologize for being honest. This goes for anyone. If someone has a problem with your sexuality, that’s their problem, not yours. Last but not least, stay in touch with people who support you unconditionally.
As Lady Gaga once said, “Rejoice and love yourself today because baby, you were born this way.”
About the Author:
Dani Marcano is a marketing specialist/content creator based in Shenzhen, China. Originally from the suburbs of Los Angeles, she speaks both English and Spanish. She loves to analyze films, books, and grammatically incorrect WeChat comments in her spare time. Her instagram is @travelingwithdani.
Source: "How bisexuality on TV evolved from a favorite punchline to a vital storyline", VOX. https://www.vox.com/culture/2018/5/16/17339992/bisexual-representation-tv-callie-rosa-darryl
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